Aug 18, 2007

A MA Story to Treasure.

Yeah, so anyone who read the alcohol-fueled post I made a while ago titled "Why Everyone (Women and People of Smaller Stature, Especially) Should Learn Grappling," should get a kick out of this story, thanks to Sirc, aka Sushi_Sashimi from the forums.
(Old post here:

So last night I was at this HORRIBLY boring party with a bunch of people who were either stoners or shroomers. Everyone was sober, but these people were the most pretentious and stiflingly smug motherfuckers I've ever met in my life. Anyway, someone got on the subject of fighting, something about one of them doing wrestling or whatever, and the hostess, a good friend of mine, said, "Oh
yeah, Chris does a lot of fighting stuff." I tried my best not to barge into their conversation of eye-gouges, biting, false anatomical physics and the such. But they asked my opinion. One of the girls there is the kind of radical feminist who believes in feng shui, chi, etc. Despite being a white girl who retroactively is trying to get daddy to love her. I've known this girl since elementary school and we've always butted heads. Anyway, she's had a few "self-defense" lessons. She made some comment about how if some guy grabs your arms, instead of resisting, to push your arm towards him and at some point escape (she never really made this clear) and using the heel of the palm, make his brain explode somehow. I interjected that if anybody really wanted to take
you somewhere, they wouldn't be in striking range, but rather in clinching/grappling range.

She then, with great smug "I AM SO RIGHT BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! GRAARRR!" attitude, said, "I'm pretty sure I can escape from you, because what you do is for sport."I raised a gentle eyebrow and said, "I'd test your theories, but well... you're a girl." Later that evening while in the backyard on the lawn, we were sitting down she must've been horribly offended by me calling her a girl, but she brought it up again and I said, "Well alright then, I'll test out your theories." So I walked over to her and placed myself in her guard. She attempted to kick me off, but moving to halfguard, I was able to hold her down. While she struggled I jumped to mount and just sat on her while she futilely tried to gouge my eyes. Unfortunately, my optical organs are out of her reach. With her arms up that high, I throw my leg around and gogoplata her from mount. Not completely choking her, but just with my leg on her chest/throat so she'd stop trying to sit up. All the while yelling, "THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!!!" (because she hated 300). She then tried to rip my scrotum off (Another one of those gems RBSD people teach I guess) somehow through my jeans but I just ended up getting blue balls from the half-assed handjob she was trying to give me. I swatted her arms away and throwing both arms up in the air yelled, "I AM KAMANDI! I ART THE LAST BOY! I ART THE LAST BOY!" She was furious.

She then tried to BITE MY SHIN at that point. Again, through my jeans. After a few minutes I got off of her (pun intended) and said, "You should get a refund." To which she replied, "Well, you didn't actually rape me." And I replied with, "I still could if you want."

Cliffs: I attempt rape but end up shouting out geeky expletives and prove to an overzealous feminazi that I am way cooler than her bullshit self-defense classes with my sport skills and I get a half hand-job.

What a classy young man. Hats off to you, Sirc, and I hope you get your Ipod back sometime in the near future.


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