Oct 22, 2011

Top 5 MMA Moves For Zombie Self Defense During the Apocalypse

Obligatory epic Halloween-related post time! Harold Camping might've been wrong about the end of the world, but don't worry, COD Zombie mode addicts and Survivalist enthusiasts, there's always hope for a Zombie Apocalypse to come and wipe out humanity. So forget any other article you've ever read on Hand to Hand Zombie fighting (mostly because they're ignorant about how most grappling and CQC techniques actually work), I've put together a list of the best MMA moves to use against the undead in various situations, so without further ado...

The www.PunchKickChoke.com Guide to Fighting Zombies H2H
So you were a staunch hippie anti-2nd amendment activist right up to the moment that the new miracle flu vaccine that everyone got turned out to be an evil plot by a shadowy organization to turn the world population into the living dead. Now you're stuck in a fight for your life against the hordes, and YOU'VE GOT NO GUNS. Let's also assume you're mildly retarded (that's not a stretch of the imagination now, is it?) so you can't think to pick up any metal pipes or hard wooden objects along the way. What do you do when attacked? 

Situation #1 - 1 vs 1 against Zombie, Surprise Grab Attack
Technique: Standing Arm Drag (Wrestling)

Ever watched a movie or played a game with zombies? Then you know the basics- avoid getting bitten, destroy the brain, and run if you can. If you suddenly get ambushed and grabbed by a lone zombie and your name isn't Chris Redfield/Bruce Campbell, you may be in trouble- immediately fence out, get a firm 2-on-1 on one of its arms, and arm drag the undead bastard to get behind him and give yourself a fighting chance- feel free to throw a hard elbow at the base of his skull with your outer arm as you get around him. The standing arm drag will allow you to stay out of the zombie's biting range when it gets too close and get to its back, then you can beat him upside the head with whatever technique you feel like, toss him to the ground from a safe angle, or run away with little risk.

Video (Not the exact situation I'm talking about, but the technique is there)


Situation #2 - 1 vs 1 Zombie, Zombie in Top Guard, Drooling on You.
Technique: Shrimp and Combat Stand Up from Guard (Jiu Jitsu)

Lets say you weren't able to defend yourself properly in the previous situation, and you end up with the zombie dragging you down to the ground, pretty much a tactical nightmare. You are now in one of the worst situations in this case, because actively grappling with a brain hungry zombie is a shit idea to begin with, but now you're doing so in a bad position. Thankfully, it would be unlikely that a zombie would know/remember how to keep his base and keep you down, so time to leave. Anyone who has ever taken even a day of Jiu Jitsu probably has done both the shrimping motion and the combat stand up- combine the two while fencing/crossfacing the zombie to prevent getting bitten, and get the hell out of there.

Video (Just imagine this except pushing against the side of the zombie's head/jawline the entire time)


Situation #3 - 1 vs (Up to 3 or 4) Zombies, Mid Range
Technique: Teep/Push Kick (Muay Thai)

A difficult but not impossible situation, you have inadvertently stumbled upon and startled a small group of zombies who are now walking (or running, in case you're in England and dealing with the Rage virus) your way. What do you do? Well, shit, you've watched enough Bruce Lee movies to be able to flying side-kick their heads off, right? Well... no, that's what you tell the guy who's going to buy you some time to escape while he gets eaten. If this option isn't available, TEEP KICK! This Muay Thai staple move will be the second most valuable import from Thailand in the post-zombie apocalypse world, right after hookers- it'll be one of the safest ways to create space between you and the undead to allow you to run away. As a matter of fact, anyone who has played the new Dead Island game should know this already, because it's the single most over-powered weapon in the entire goddamn glitch-tastic game.



Situation #4 - Loved One Bitten by Undead Asshat (Goddamn it!)
Technique: Rear Naked Choke (Jiu Jitsu); Curb Stomp (American History X)

Through your adventure in zombie hell, you will likely have a comrade, family member, or significant other get bitten and have to suffer through the miserable experience of watching them slowly turn into a flesh hungry creature. As further transmission onto other party members is unacceptable, have them say their final words to the group, then get a firm rear naked choke on him or her to ease them into a deep sleep... then place their head, mouth open, firmly onto the edge of a street curb, then Shogun Rua their brain into oblivion with the heel of your foot. Say a few nice words about them afterwards, followed by a moment of reflective silence. Note that the Curb Stomp is also a nice finish to any zombie that you may have taken down/thrown to the ground, so buy a good pair of steel-toed boots in preparation.

Rear Naked Choke


Curb Stomp (Yes, I know that I'm a terrible person)


Situation 5 - Dead End, Horde of Zombies Coming at You
Technique: The Don Frye Special (All-American Dirty Boxing Badassery)

Well, now you've done it- you've somehow got every zombie in town to converge on your exact location, and there's nowhere to run. Do you assume the fetal/turtle position and wait for the end to come? Hell no! Ride to hell in a blaze of glory! Ever watch Don Frye trade blows with Takayama in one of the most explosive displays of brain cell death in PRIDE/MMA history (video below)? Get a solid dirty boxing stance, and start punching your way to a spectacular death. Just make sure you have a video camera ready and pointing in your general direction as you rush the nearest zombie so that there is a chance some survivor may find it and teach future generations of the sheer magnitude of your balls.



Well, there you have it. Don't you feel just a little more prepared for the future?**

**Punchkickchoke.com is not responsible for any failure on your part to defend against a zombie and getting bitten. That's on you, buddy. Have a Happy Halloween.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

very funny article, and somewhat practical at the same time. I'll be saving this page for the zombie hordes to come!